Mile Sur Mera Tumhara, Toh Sur Bane Hamara...

Hearing this melodious song after so many years brought tears to my eyes. I am surprised how it happened.
A sudden chill down my spine and then moist eyes. Probably childhood memories rushed and forced open the gates that have been locked since long.
Or maybe the idea of a united India, portrayed so beautifully was to emotional to handle.

Oppurtunity goes abegging!!!

Oh how often does it happen that we commit horrendous blunders but try to redeem ourselves by just dmitting to them. Owning up one's mistakes is a good thing, I learnt in my childhood. But with me, it seems, it has become an excuse for committing more such mistakes.

Last time I wrote here I was wondering when I will learn to adapt myself to changing situations. Rueing about things, sort of, gives you a feeling that you have done enough. This space has become a platform of airing my grievances and stupidities, I think. Fuck something up, write it here, and then forget it.

It had been ages since I was clamouring for being given more chances to shoulder higher levels of responsibility. Finally, the powers-that-be acknowledged my point and a chance came my way. But again, after working so hard to earn that oppurtunity I could not do anything but merely watch it pass, hurling insults at me while going away.

I realized during the course of my actions that this was a make or break situation. I used to dream about succes, fantasize about good results. This renewed the vigour in me and I pumped in all my efforts. But did I? I don't know, can't say. Eventually, nothing came out of it. The oppurtunity wentr abbegging.

How quickly the moments passed, I wonder as I sit back and analyse. Although I had the time, in between, to isolate myself and put things to perspective. But, situation slipped away from my hands even as I was trying to grasp it with both hands. I can't find the fallacy in my approach now. Maybe I thought too much about success and the fruits it would bring. And less about the work in hand. Which makes me to come back to the famous saying, which has been at the back of my mind almost all the time, "Success comes to those who do not think about it".

maybe, that is true. I have experienced that many a time. And most recently, trhis time. But have I not experienced the contrary as well? Oh how many times have I achieved success only by visualising about it? And also, how hard it is not to think about your destination when you are in the middle of your journey? I often wonder if sayings like these are merely to put an impression upon people, because they do not seem practical to me.

I will close this with the remarks I picked up from one of my mentors during this period. "Efforts are acknowledged, results are rewarded."

Long time

After a long hiatus I am writing again. Oh how good it feels. Trying as I was, all these days to find some time all to myself so that I could break the shackles, so that I could again embark on a writing spree, so that I could unleash my mind's raw energy into something I love to do, I always knew that it will happen only in the spur of a moment. And here I am, caught in the office on the wrong side of luck, with only few minutes at my disposal and the sword of time hanging over my head, trying to redeem myself.

I wonder why I waited for so long. Was waiting for an auspicious time, when it would be serene and tranquil all around, and I could put a substantial magnitude of thought into my writing to scribble out something. Well, man can never fight his own inherent faculties. However I might have brooded and sulked about it, however plans of action I might have devised, however hard I might have pushed myself for this, I remain an incorrigible, un-planned wretch.

The past year was very eventful, with a lot many defining experiences. And all have proved just one point. That I live in the range of a moment. Several well-wishers have also accused me of filthy forgetfulness of the world when faced with a new challenge, oppurtunity, adventure or journey. Oh I how I wished it were not true! But Alas! thats not the case.

Though the past experiences have proved it beyond doubt - that it would be futile to change the direction of my natural thinking and responses to various stimuli, I am againt at such a cusp in my life when I very much want to do the same. Change.

Cheers to control, and kudos to all those men who can exercise it. As for me, it remains a tough nut to crack.

Focussing randomly

Recurrence of love moments is the most underlying fact of love. And today's talk will be cherished forever because it was a recurrence of similar love moments we shared earlier. You are a fountainhead of immense pleasure and gratification. I want to take all that you have. All that you can offer. All that I can withstand. Sleeping with you with my head on your bosomI am listening to your heart's beat. And absorbing the enormous heat that is there in store for me. That heat in both of us shall never die. It will continue to ignite fires of passion in our bodies. We shall forever keep burning in the longing to immerse deeply into each other. To dig so deep into each other's bodies that we become one. That there is no power on the Earth which can separate us.

Love you............

You have encroached the bastions of banal existence. Now my life is not common folk. It no longer lingers on prosaic preoccupations. It has become a lethal time bomb. Always tickling. Waiting to be exploded. And my life is like a deathly silence. A lull before a storm. Fearing that the bomb will explode and at the same time waiting for the explosion. Our union will be a grand event. Yes, it will be an explosion. Explosion of emotions, love, needs. Culmination of desires...

Love..

You are a fragnance I smell all day. An aroma I taste all night. An embrace I feel every moment. A moist imprint on my lips I carry every instant. You are magic. Love...

Moratorium...

You must have slept till now. Its strange how things have changed between us. From being strangers, to being acquaintances, to being more than acquaintances. Then starting of our friendship, weighing up each other, telling and sharing things, upto now at this point, when we are soulmates. Well, a sudden thought has come to my mind, which asks me to correct myself. We are not yet soulmates, we have just promised to each other that we will be soulmates.

There was a time when we just guessed about each other. We were skeptical, unsure. Now there is a kind of security, a steady feeling has taken root. Because we have shared so much, we know about each other. Yet, in a way, we still don't know much. What we have showed is akin to just the tip of an iceberg. As you keep on saying, "You still don't know anything about me, my life is full of complications".

But there is an urge to know, a very very strong feeling. An anxiety which grips me, to know more, to know all that is to be known, about you. So that we come so close that we become just one. Can't this happen? I don't know. But it doesn't mean it can't.

Won't it be a good thing? When there is no difference between you and me, when we are same, ONE. Don't you ever imagine that? I always dream about that world, live in it. You are above such feelings I guess, as you keep on telling me.....

Your voice is so cute, its so beautiful. I sometimes just close my eyes, and lay on my bed and keep listening. I think I should record it so that I can listen to it ever afterwards. Sounds weird? Well.....

Now we have imposed a moratorium. Its good I think. But it will just increase the Obsession, not decrease it. I will always be thinking about you.....

Do you know what happens? Small small things occur around you, things which are very minute, but very significant. And to those small things you attach big big meanings, you learn lessons from them, you connect them with happenings of your life, with people around you, people whom you love. Then suddenly you feel like sharing them with people you love, you know thats what we do each night when we talk.

But from tomorrow we will not talk. But things won't stop from happening. I will not stop pondering over them, giving them a thought, stopping over them. I won't stop from drawing inferences, from connecting them to you, and then there will be an urge to talk it out to you. But that I won't, since there is a moratorium.
Then? Then what will happen?

Things will keep on adding. I will keep them in my mind to tell you when the moratorium ends. But then I will lose count, I will forget them. Then what will happen?

My heart and soul, body and mind will be filled with a silent energy, a loud stillness, a hollow space, there will be a void.

Thats a strange kind of feeling, when it comes. Must have happened to you as well.

When you make the transition from being a child to a grown-up, you learn to keep things from people, things which you used to share before. Then suddenly you remain not you, you become something else, you become (YOU + SOMETHING). That something is all the difference.

I haven't been able to figure it out, or probably am not that good a writer to put it in words.

That "something" will happen during the moratorium, when we will think about each other, feel each other, miss each other, but not talk.

I am ready for that "something" to happen. Because I know its a very different kind of feeling. Its lovely, its great.

When your heart is heavy with many tales that you want to share but you don't. Then you share those thoughts in dreams, sort of telepathy, and suddenly you feel that it has been conveyed.

Yes am ready for that "something".

One thing I know, our love will increase.

And yes, one very big thing I want to remind. We are going to stay together some time in future.

Lots of kisses and hugs....

Your Als....

Love....

Who are you? What are you? Why am I not able to sleep because of you?

You are a kind of Euphoria that has engulfed me since we came close, we became intimate. You are a chill which runs down my spine whenever I think of you. You are a shudder which my body feels when I talk about you.

This is not a pen picture or anything. When I write that I will be totally in control, I will be in my senses, I will adhere to all the norms, all the nuances of writing. But now I am not caring about any of that. I am just writing, carefree, without any consideration. Free. I am writing whatever comes to my mind.

Talking to you has always been a refreshing experience. But today you told me so many things about your past life. I don't want to discuss that. Because that hasn't changed anything. But only increased the respect I had for you. You are like ATLAS, the Greek God who holds the Earth on his shoulders. Who has to bear, who happily bears, the weight of all humanity on his shoulders.

You know love is unreasonable. It just happens, comes without any warning, any intimation. Same thing happened with you. I just fell in love with you, "AISE HI".

This is just an exhortation letter. I want to urge you to do what you want to, what you wish to, what you love to. Its enough of caring for society, caring for people, caring about family. Now care about your own self, your wishes, your desires, your affections. And live life to the full.

Don't pay heed to what people say. Let them say what they wish to. You listen to your inner voice. Do what you want to.

And in doing so, if there is any obstacle, I am there to help. I want you to be happy. Happiness is never in bits and pieces, it is complete, one, its absolute. Either you are happy, or you are not.

And I want you to be happy always. Smiling always.

You always talk about not hurting me, protecting me, and all that stuff. But what about you being hurt, who is going to protect you?
Let me do the honours. Can't you trust me on that? I promise you, I will always be there to lend a helping hand. Am not a KID.

Listening to so many people's problems, helping everybody, catering to all people's needs, lending an ear to everyone's sorrows, but who will listen to your pain, who will care for you, who will listen to your 'Inner Voice'?

Please don't hide things from me. Why don't you make me your soulmate? Share all sorrows with me.I will bring comfort to you, I will soothe you. Refresh you, make you happy. Put your complete trust in me, for once, you will not regret that. I assure you.

And all those stupid things going on in this mean world, please don't let them affect you. Don't bother about them. People are like that only. Its a bad bad world.

And about that 'worldly pleasure' thing, how can you think of that? Whatever you think, I know, I can understand. But before judging me, just keep this one thing in mind ---------- I AM YOU. I am you only. We are ONE.
So if you trust yourself, trust me as well.

Whatever our Relationship, I don't know, but whatever our Relationship, it is pure, it is sacred, it is true, it is heart to heart, and it will definitely stand the test of time.

DON'T WORRY.

Let me come into your life, everything will be alright. Just understand one thing ----------- I LOVE YOU and your happiness is of PARAMOUNT importance to me. I want you to be happy.

Love u a lot....

Hmmm....

So talking to you after a long time...Time has passed on and so many things have happenned. Things which normally I would have shared with you, had you been here. Has always happenned with me, this. Many people who formed a rather inseparable part of my life, with whom I used to discuss even the most uneventful happenings of my life, talking to whom had become a pattern and sort of routine , when talking was not a means to some end, but just an end in itself, many people, many such people are far away now. And I have coped with them not with me. Me not sharing anything with them. It rather sounds silly and childish. Previously its a very taxing job, akin to keeping quiet. Can u imagine keeping mum for long long intervals of time, as if u have lost ur audience. People who you want to be an audience to your talks, talks of ur accomplishments, or of ur failiures, disappear. And you can't comprehend that why u dont want to speak now. The same has happenned now, that u have gone. it seems i have lost my voice, because i dont have anyone to talk to. Anyway leave it...

Actually its a very precarious situation and funny also. Sometimes i laugh at myself. U know because there are so many other people around. Anyways....

I had thought I would write long but words are failing me now. I dont know what to write. Do you know what does this signify? This signifies the time when we used to sit quietly, without saying a word and still used to communicate a lot. Through silence, not through words....

Now at this point of time I cant understand what do i really want. Whether i want to come over and meet you, talk to you, or keep on living like this, this new chapter of my life, without you. You know, the urge of meeting you is not as strong as it was some months ago. I don't think of you as often as i used to. Don't miss you as much as i used to. Don't know whether i am looking forward to meet you. Have not been able to spare some time in my life to think about you. And am ashamed of this. I think this is betrayal of love. Because love is everlasting. So i am confused. and feeling guilty. And am pondering on this.....